This has been something I've been struggling to confidently say for years. When I tried to go cold turkey before I would eventually relapse and the cycle would repeat itself. This time however I feel more confident in saying that I have no desire to look at pornography of any kind any more. If I were you I'd get some snacks and strap in because this post isn't going to be a deep dive into how my addiction started, how it has affected me in the long run and what ultimately made me decide it just wasn't worth it anymore.
When I was a kid (maybe 9 or 10), I picked up a Men's Health magazine and on the second to last page was an ad for a sex pill with a bare chested woman laying on top of a man. This was the earliest memory I can think of when I found that women being partially or completely naked looked cool. It then lead me to look up basic phrases on the Internet such as "naked women" "nude girls" and "sexy girls" among others. I went down the rabbit hole that was pornography and was hooked for almost a decade and a half.
The most common side effects of viewing pornography on a daily basis differ from person to person. For me it was having a skewed perspective on all the women in my life during my high school years. I never had a girlfriend in high school and I thank God I didn't because I either would've treated her like an object or cheat on her with another girl I found prettier. While my sexual urges never caused me to rape anyone, it did make me come across as a creep more than a few times. I once asked a lady I didn't know what sex was at the public library. If I wasn't a minor, I'd would've gotten maced at best or arrested at worst just for asking a question like that. I also had this bad habit of giving one girl in particular various gifts in a stupid attempt to get her to like me back. It got to the point where she rightfully told the school counselor about it and asked me to please stop. I'm glad I did because I was probably one unwarranted advancement away from being put on a restraining order. The most embarrassing moment for me though was trying to share a shower with either my sister or my aunt. Yeah, there's being a dumb kid and then there's being a straight up pervert. I'm more than ashamed I did any of those things and I thank God I've been forgiven for all of them.
Another major side effects to viewing pornography daily was it made me defensive and secretive about it. When I was first caught, it was embarrassing and rightfully so. It's like being caught with your hand in the cookie jar. And yet even after I was caught, I still viewed it in secret because the root of the problem wasn't handled properly. I didn't just watch porn because I liked it; moreover, I watched it because I was a lonely depressed kid with little friends and a severe lack of understanding of my purpose in life. This continued well into my adulthood when I was now stuggling to get a rise from something that was bringing me less and less enjoyment as time went on.
If I could point to the number one worst side effect of pornography, is its negative influence it had when it came to sexual encounters with strangers. I can most definitely say that despite meeting up with many strangers both men and women, I NEVER had a good sexual encounter. They were all varying degrees of filthy, unengaging and overall unsatisfying. While I knew pornography was not representative of real sex, I didn't know how underwhelming casual encounters were until I actually had them.
So, what changed? How did I go from a struggling addict to completely apathetic towards porn in general? Well, it was a number of factors, but the biggest was becoming a born-again Christian. While getting baptized and recieved the gift of the Holy Ghost didn't immediately cure me, I did slowly but surely start to drift away from porn as the years went by. Another key factor in the decimation of my addiction was having good relationships with a bunch of female friends and co-workers. The women in my life today are all smart, funny, caring, patient and understanding and they make me feel more appreciative of all the great women I've had in my life (such as my Mom, Grandma, my older sisters and teachers). Most recently, I've come to the realization that pornography is everything I said I didn't like in my last post about eye candy. Men and especially women in pornography are essentially reduced to sponges when put in front of the camera. Similarly, erotic drawings serve no other purpose than to arouse viewers with characters from an existing IP partaking in lewd acts. I've also come to the realization that if I spend so much of my time watching, writing and drawing porn, why don't I use all that time to create something original and fun?
Sure enough it was these factors that made me decide it was time to finally kick the bucket for good and start living my life. I just turned 24 over a week ago and I know for a fact that I don't want to spend another decade and a half dabbling in pornography. This is going to be the start of a new chapter in my life and this will hopefully lead to much better things down the road.
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